Rested. Well

You look rested.

That’s what Flatmate said yesterday. Rested. Well. Despite the black bags under my eyes, the pale skin, the lank hair.

Rested. Well.

I’d just got back from a week with Sista and the family in France. So just off a prop plane with all my phobias, I was somewhat surprised at that announcement.

Late nights with too much wine. Fab. But headache Central.


Playing with two little imps morning noon and night.


Lots of tellings off about changing my self-image….. Apparently comparing oneself to a horse is unhelpful in these things. But all done with love.

Rested??? Well???

Walks to the beautiful French village to try and walk off the calories my sis was plying me with on my stay. All that heavenly food…. The cheese!!!! But yes, the necessary walking.

Rested??? Well???

But above all glorious times with Sista and Mr Sista who seem to have acres of spare love to spend.

Rested. Loved.

Rib cracking laughing at the joys of life. Recall the incident at the Bulgarian bar in NYC? Oh yes, we did!

Rested. Laughed out.

Happy to be with friends?

Yes. Rested. Well.

Time with adored ones and no work seems to work well for me because despite the fact that I’m still as squiggly as a bag of otters I do feel rested. Well.

I love you sis xxxxx

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Posted by on December 7, 2014 in Bipolar


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and now for sam-thing completely different

and so, instead of the usual dross you find here, I thought I’d share some good news. Nay! Wonderful news… because one of my incredible friends, who is a follower here, has adopted a beautiful little boy. And he is beautiful!

Even better they have just celebrated his first birthday together with their family.

And the best gift he got for his birthday was the family he lives with now. And you know who you are!!!!

love, love, love to all of you xxx

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Posted by on November 20, 2014 in adoption, coping


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Sad, SAD or just bipolar?

i can’t get out of bed again.


i’ve got no energy.

everything I do is in slow motion.

Like treacle off the back of a spoon, everything takes an age.

All I want to do is sleep. Sleep and go to bed. Go to bed just to lie down and think about sleep.

At work all I do is dream about going home to bed. Like the dormouse in Alice in Wonderland, just in need of my teapot.

My memory is atrocious. I worry I’ll get fired because I’m not performing well.

And I feel sad. Not weepy, just a long drawn out feeling of despondency.

So am I sad?

Or is it SAD that’s just come on with the change of the seasons?

Or is it just an episode of bipolar?

So what to do?

Well, I keep thinking if I wander around without a coat I’ll catch a proper illness that will legitimately confine me to my pit, but no luck so far there.

I’m taking my tablets. which as you all know, I hate.

I’m definitely getting enough sleep. Although you wouldn’t know it to look at me. I’ve got bags under my eyes that industrial waste disposal teams would be proud of.

I’m doing the day to day stuff and going in to work – albeit a spaced out version of Heggles who stares glassily at you and nods vaguely, whilst frantically making notes that on reflection mean zilch.

And I can’t think of anything else to do to get myself right. Apart from go to bed and sleep, of course.

But i have to see my lovely shrink on Friday who upped my meds last time I saw him, because he saw a wobble on the horizon, so let’s hope it’s just a temporary hitch and he can wave his magic wand and I’ll be firing on all cylinders next week.

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Posted by on November 17, 2014 in Bipolar, Medication, Mental Health


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Someone very dear to me….

Someone very dear to me died last week.

Someone who found something to love in me even when I was sick.

Someone who fostered my love of all things Greek, ancient and modern.

A wise, intelligent man, full of charming inconstancies.

A patient man, with a warm smile and hugs in abundance.

A man who unintentionally lived a delightfully slap-stick comedic existence.

A man who I loved very much.

But he died last week.

And my heart hurts.


Posted by on November 8, 2014 in Bipolar


It’s been a while

…since i posted, I mean.

Y’see when I last posted i was in the midst of The Divorce Horror. Called so because it was when I was getting divorced and it was horrific.

My time was mostly spent off work, hiding in bed, crying. Which was a low on every score.

But the divorce came through. And I survived.

But even better they changed my meds around……. and eventually they and the long-suffering ‘them’ in my life, picked me up and watched me teeter back in to something that looked like a functioning human being. Even though I didn’t feel like one.

I still don’t….

And now…. well, now….. I think I feel kind of stable. Apart from the wonky bits that don’t function properly, and my incredible lack of confidence which means I’d rather get in trouble for missing a meeting, than rock up late and have people watching me arrive.

Oh. And the weight gain. Which we won’t mention.

So, yep. Back at work with all the anxieties that generates. Back at work with all the stress it crafts. Just ‘back’.

But ‘back’ nonetheless. And yes, sometimes I’m proud I’m ‘back’.

Proud I managed to stave off the demons one more time to become something other than Bipolar. For a while, at least, eh?

Although sometimes I have to wonder why I spend so much time fighting to get ‘back’ in the workplace every time I have an episode?….. ‘ cause work has a tendency to be pants, so it does beg the question why make the effort?

But here I am. Stable. Like a pony. And ‘back’ blogging too….

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Posted by on October 19, 2014 in Bipolar


So you win again…..

So you win again

De da da dah

You win again.

That’s an old school song by Hot Chocolate

Last night I saw the letter my solicitor proposes to send to my husband. Soon to be ex-husband

My stomach contracted and I felt the sweats come on. 
I reached for the valium.

It confirmed the date of the decree nisi.

My stomach contracted and I felt the sweats come on. 
I reached for the valium.

There was nothing in the letter which I hadn’t asked to be there:

  • No further contact from him (expecting a bad reaction to that)
  • The date of the expected decree absolute
  • The fact that I’m not proposing to give him any money (Oh crikey……that won’t go down well at all)
  • That he ruined my life….. no, no. That wasn’t there at all. A solicitor wouldn’t write that. Well, not one that wants to keep practising anyway
My stomach contracted and I felt the sweats come on. 
I reached for the valium.

So, why do I feel so anxious when I get these solicitor’s letters? These texts and letters from The Husband?

I have to admit it. I’m scared of The Husband.

Is it because he’s bullying me in to parting with the property? Which is mine.

Is it because I know he’s going to drag me through the courts and bring up my illness and hospitalisation, which now the divorce is paid for, by my broke little self, his parents will no doubt finance, leaving me with less than half of nothing if they retain a good solicitor?

Is it because I know that once again, I failed? Failed at a marriage I whole heartedly committed to.

My heart aches at the sadness. I don’t love him anymore. Who could love a lying twat like that? But the more stress I feel about this, the less I eat. The less I eat, the less I care about eating. The less I care about eating, the less energy I have to fight this.

I will finally be divorced at the end of April.

But the financial separation will rumble on. And on. And on.

And the Mental Health Section draws ever closer.

Don’t let him win

comes the cry.

If only it was that simple.

My stomach contracts and I reach for the valium as the hunger sets in, but the sickness prevents me from eating….. and

so he wins again

de da da dah…..



Posted by on March 26, 2014 in Bipolar


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Bipolar. The good news. That’s ironic, btw……

Apparently, a large number of people with Bipolar are at risk from an early death not from Suicide (which they are at higher risk of), but medical illnesses, a number of studies of around 331, 000 patients showed.

Illnesses contributed to early death were attributed to the following:

unhealthy diet, binge eating, lack of exercise, smoking, substance abuse, social deprivation, living alone, homelessness, lack of access to health services, biased attitudes of health professionals towards people with psychiatric illnesses, failure among psychiatrists to address their patient’s medical problems, or delaying medical care because of the overriding need for psychiatric treatment.

So, in brief, people with Bipolar live alone, are homeless (which comes with an additional raft of health issues) – often in part because of their mental illness, can’t access the help they need with regard to their social or mental health issues, and the people they do need in the health services appear to be biased against them.


What an amazing developed society we live in, where people who live with mental illness are defined alone by their mental illness, where even their psychiatrists fail to deal with the medical issues presented.

The stress connected with damn Bipolar can also have an impact too:

The illness can stress the immune system and the hypothalamic-pituitary axis, a system that controls many body processes. Bipolar disorders also heighten the activity of the sympathetic nervous system, which sets off the fight-or-flight response to stress.

Well, I for one know how stressful this illness can be. Worrying about losing my job. My friends. Whether I’m wasting my heath team’s time (you know, the one’s who fail to deal with my medical issues). Whether I actually need my medicine. Whether I should take my meds. Whether people walking down the street know. And more importantly, when the next episode will happen.

I live on tenterhooks. I’m constantly on pins. My flatmate entering the room or flat at an unexpected time makes me scream hysterically. It’s ridiculous. Thank God for Valium.

And any sufferers out there know the impact that the medication can have on your weight. Weight gain is common for those of us taking the medication which it takes to keep us stable. This can lead to:

obesity and other metabolic changes that predispose people to Type 2 diabetes [and is] associated with weight gain and metabolic disorders.

And in my humble opinion (based on the fact that this is one of my greatest worries), this is a key reason as to why life expectancy could be shortened.

  1. You take your meds. So you gain weight. So you stay in. Because your ashamed to go our in your elasticated waist pants and velcro sandals.
  2. And who wants to exercise when you’re depressed? So you don’t go out. You hide in bed. Because you can wear elasticated jim jams there.
  3. And you can’t afford to buy bigger clothes anyway. And you’ll get arrested and sectioned if you go out ‘nekked’….. so you stay in. And get bigger……
  4. And if you can’t work, you can’t afford to buy healthy food. Turkey twizzlers are much more affordable. So the weight keeps piling on…..
  5. Oh, and when you’re in a depressive state, I’m sure you’re all up for a nice piece of spinach instead of a huge toblerone (not me, btw)

And then, of course, this can all lead to type 2 diabetes which can become an issue in it’s own right, where, according to NHS in the early stages or as a preventative, you need to make lifestyle changes, which include:

taking regular exercise [please see point 2]eating healthily [please see point 4], and losing weight [please see point 1] 

NHS Direct (Jan 2014)

So, in short, the 10-15% of us that don’t commit suicide are at higher risk of dying an early death just because we’re Bipolar. So get those elasticated waist slacks on and get out and exercise guys. That seems to be the message. Oh, and ditch the burgers. Eat erm…… yummy other stuff instead. Just what you want when you’re feeling like your world’s falling to pieces (see point 5).

Apart from that, if you think you’re getting a shonky deal from the health centre, give ’em something to think about, and make sure you tell them you feel icky!

Unless stated, this post is based on the report below:

Bipolar Disorder Linked To Risk Of Early Death From Natural Causes

Date:February 4, 2009 Source:University of Washington Summary:

People with bipolar disorder have a higher death rate from natural causes compared to people in the general population of the same age and gender but without mental illness.

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